The expat life is one of high-churn relationships and circumstances. The harsh reality is that a lot of people don’t stay long, they repatriate or move on. Stress, frustration, health and changes in circumstances create a permanent state of flux for a lot of expats. Divorces are frequent, and depression can be pretty common.
So some expats survive and others even thrive. One of the key differences is their level of discipline. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Marines or Navy Seals make the best expats.
Expats want to be excellent in their language, their cultural awareness, their competency. Feeling confused all the time is exhausting and frustrating. Being lost and feeling taken advantage of are awful feelings.
Making mistakes constantly is humiliating.
The problem is that some expats feel entitled to feel competent now. And that mindset is what John Townsend calls the “Anti-Discipline” mindset. It’s entitlement. It assumes that I will accidentally figure it all out. I will just somehow naturally become fluent. I am probably just a natural at building relationships. I’m smart enough to hack the system, driven enough to affect change in my community and discerning enough to avoid mistakes.
And when these things don’t happen, people find their confidence shattered. Entitlement set them up for failure.
The best option, again working from John Townsend’s book The Entitlement Cure, is to embrace a disciplined mindset.
The disciplined mindset says “I need external supports, over extended periods of time, to accomplish my goals.”
The disciplined mindset assumes that you will have to do the work, put in the time, shed the tears and sweat needed to succeed. It assumes a lot of failure, and it does not assume that you have the grit to do it on your own.
So you sign up for a language class. You schedule a tutor. You read in your target language for 10 minutes a day and look up the words you don’t know yet. You meet with other people and get their insight, and ask their advice. You commit yourself to a lifestyle of consistent learning, and consistent trying. You’re guaranteed to fail a lot, but you’ll also guaranteed to learn a lot, if you’re willing.
Our discipline isn’t a switch we can flip on demand. It’s a resource we can cultivate over time, but if we neglect it, we can’t assume that it’s at our beck and call. Start small, and build some supports to help you move forward.
The work and repetition is what will build the confidence you want, and there are no shortcuts to confidence, it’s earned one choice at a time. So you should ask yourself, not “How do I try harder?” but “What external supports can I build into my life to make success more likely?”